I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
