Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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