Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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