Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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