I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
