He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
