Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
