walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
