he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
