First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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