i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
