I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
