Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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