Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
