I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
