I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
