I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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