rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
