youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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