Yo dont text me then not text me
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
