Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
