My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
