So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
