Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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