there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
