just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
