I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
