Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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