On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
