Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
