he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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