I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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