you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
