I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
