wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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