after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
we should paint friendship bongs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
