Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
