I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
