I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
