this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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