cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
