Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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