I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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