dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
