My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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