I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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