there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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