So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
