Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
