so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
