My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
