He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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