sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
