just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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