low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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