Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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